Ben’s story is truly inspirational because his scenario was like a double whammy…it’s already a challenge to get back out there and date again, thinking if it’s possible to find aligned with his personality…But, there was also the pandemic. One of the biggest obstacles the World had to face, which then makes most people think it’s impossible to date because there is a virus to think about right? Not only was he struggling with that, but he is also a divorced dad of two young kids, his status made him feel unwanted…he thought that no one is going to date him, he thought that the pool is getting limited because he is getting older…he is not worthy of finding someone…these and that and never-ending negative thoughts. We cannot blame him though…because it is indeed a roller-coaster hell of a ride.
With all of that stacked against him, he found a personal investment would be best for him. He took the chance to seek my guidance and couldn’t believe the results. Now only was he able to get a number from a girl at a park (yes, with his mask on). Also, after his last experience of getting 2-3 matches on dating apps in a month that looked sketchy and worrisome… he now was able to get 10-15 hits within a week of working with me, and he responded “wow! is this even real?” because he never had this kind of experience, and the exciting part about it is…he found someone that really resonates with him, exciting right? read more about his success story below and find out how he was able to succeed by following my strategies (the transcription has been revised for clarity)
Talk with Ben
Ruby: Welcome to another video or audio in this case where one of my clients is going to share his incredible story and journey to getting to where he is today. Today, we have here, Ben, who’s going to be joining us. Hi, Ben, how are you doing?
Ben: I’m good, Ruby. How’re you doing?
Ruby: I’m doing well, doing well as we all can in 2020, right?
Ruby: He’s going to share his story with us today. I absolutely love it. As everyone knows, I help a lot of different guys in different situations. For him, I think just his journey and his take and approach on the coaching experience is so inspirational. I hope it motivates a lot of you guys out there that are in his similar situation. Let’s just get started and let’s do a quick introduction. Ben, can you tell everyone a little bit more about who you are, where you started, and where you are now?
A little bit of Ben
Ben: No problem. Ruby, again, thank you for your time, I can’t speak well enough of you. A little bit of myself. My name is Ben, I’m from California. I’m in my early 40s. I’m a divorced dad of two young kids. I have divorced about two years ago, and I was married to my ex-wife for about 10 total years. Really coming into that marriage was the usual unicorns and rainbows, but obviously, coming out of that marriage, they left me just very, very, very, very, I would say, shattered, emotionally and just confidence-wise. I think what’s unique about I think my scenario because I’ve listened to many of the other positive testimonials, Ruby, is that I’m a much older individual, I have kids, I’m divorced. So, for someone like me, just mentally, I thought that was essentially three strikes against me already out of the get-go when dating.
When I went out of the relationship, certainly I felt I was still young enough to try to find the one again. I thought at least I knew where I wanted to be in terms of relationships. I was just so insecure and really lacking a lot of confidence just because of the divorce, just encountering the whole new dating for two reasons, being a divorced dad, but also dating during COVID, which is also a unique set of challenges. You would think I’m making up scenarios and challenges for someone to date, but my scenario is very real. It was just very hard to just even get a date, let alone just find someone to connect with and get over the usual hurdles. That’s where I was in the past.
Presently, I work in the medical field as a research clinician. Thanks to Ruby’s help, actually 100% just due to Ruby’s guidance and help, now at least I was able to find someone again, and I’ve been seeing her and dating her for a little over two months now. I’ve had not a lot of success previous-Ruby, what I call PR pre-Ruby.
Ben: It was really some really bad relationships that I should not have gotten in, to begin with. Just with her guidance, at least I found someone that there is more aligned to my personality and what I’m expecting and the same thing for that person. So, happily dating right now with just that one person. We had the talk, “the talk” on exclusivity, and came out of nowhere, Ruby, totally honest, came out of nowhere, but I’m super happy right now. I’m happy with my kids as well, just the person I’m dating right now.
Ruby: That’s awesome. I am just so happy for you. You’ve had quite a journey in general. You’re right. If you think about it, you had layers of challenges and were on top of the situation that we’re currently in. Now you’re actually a success story of getting into a relationship, even during a pandemic, which people find impossible.
Ruby: That is awesome. We’ve obviously talked about who you’re dating, and she definitely seems more closer to what you’re looking for, and someone that would really value you and the relationship. Just overall, that’s what you wanted, especially after marriage. That’s amazing. I’m so happy for you. What did you think was the biggest obstacle that was overcome during our time together?
Ben: It was really confident. It’s weird because, generally speaking, outside of dating, I think, again– listening to your past testimonials, I think, outside of dating, I’m generally a very confident guy in my workplace, with my kids, and just my interpersonal friend relationships. My biggest hurdle was really just getting over the fact that, again, it’s just low confidence, low self-esteem that was as a result of my divorce.
I think it’s different from just a breakup since I spent a significant time with my ex-wife. When you come out of it, you’re shattered. You think you’re unwanted, who wants to date you? Even if someone wants to date me, they always say that the pool is limited as you get older. I had to deal with just a lot of negative– just thinking expectations. I threw them on myself just because I felt, “No, maybe I’m just not worth finding someone.”
In the past, I would just “settle,” just because I was just afraid of not being able to find someone. I think that in itself, just made the scenario even worse. Obviously, even during COVID times where it’s incredibly hard to date. I didn’t know where to start or where to begin– I’d even know when the pandemic were to end. No one knows when it was ending. I just gained the courage to really just be myself and be happy with who I am, I am able to have the courage to just reach out to someone, and again, have them realize that “Hey, I’m just as good as any other guy out there.” I think that was probably really the biggest, biggest challenge for me.
Ruby: That’s amazing. That’s awesome. If you can actually share this story about– I think we were only two weeks in and we talked about mindset and a bit of confidence. You approach someone at a park?
Ruby: And it worked.
Ruby: Do you want to tell a little bit about how that happened for you and your own mindset?
Ben: I’m an Asian guy, and I’ll throw in some ethnicity to add into the mix as well. Nerdy Asian guy, divorced, all that. It’s just so many layers. Then, normally, because of that, I’m very introspect, it just takes me a while to warm up to someone or even have the courage to begin with. Again, coming into this before, then actually during my sessions with Ruby, she did a very simple exercise. Simple in its execution, it’s very difficult because I had to get over that fear. That fear of rejection.
How did confidence and mindset work for him?
I was just walking in a park, and just dog walking, and just doing my regular walk. I came across someone that at least I found attractive, and I saw she had a dog. One of Ruby’s really mantras is to try to connect with someone, authentically connect. Normally, I don’t really think about that, and I’ll just shy away and run away, but I had a little Ruby on my shoulder telling me that.
“You have nothing to lose.” That’s one of the hardest things to wrap yourself and wrap your head around. You can read about it and do all your research about it, but just to have that positive coaching aspect from you, Ruby, helped me overcome that. I just ended up just talking to her, connecting with her dog. I eventually got a number out of her and a couple of dates. That 100% never happens to me.
Ben: Even if I were to just get some random courage to talk to someone. But in this case, it was just a mindset, just being able to overcome that being confident and then talking to her. Again, it’s an easy thing we might hear it, but just to actually have that kind of level of support and encouragement from Ruby, that was so key.
Ruby: That’s awesome. I love that you said it’s like– what did you say a, “Ruby on your shoulder,”
Ben: A little, mini-Ruby.
Ruby: Just there. I’ll always remember when you texted me, because I was like, “Wow.” I know we talked about overcoming your fear of rejection and just trying something and doing it. It’s so funny because we never actually talked about in-person or offline approaches yet.
Ruby: As long as you’ve got yourself there and you had the initial push, you seem like you knew what to do, or else you wouldn’t have got her number.
Ben: In some ways, it’s fine, because I think I wanted to prove you wrong. I’m like, “There is no way this is going to– I’m only two weeks into just talking to Ruby, this is just BS. I’m going to try–” Yeah, my bad. I think I told you, I apologize to you because I’m like, “Yeah, okay, so my skepticism is gone.”
Ruby: Exactly. I know, that was so awesome. It’s a great example. I love utilizing that example, especially for anyone that thinks that you can’t even talk to anyone during a pandemic as well.
Ruby: You can still obviously keep your distance, not overcome boundaries, but still connect with someone. You did that. Like you said, you got several days out of it. There were several reasons why probably that person wasn’t right for you, but you still were able to connect with her and have a dating process and practice.
Ben: Yeah. That was the key.
What made him think that dating is hard?
Ruby: That’s great. You did mention this a little bit already, just to clarify, at least in the beginning, what did you worry about? What did you think would make dating harder for you–?
Ben: Well, you can edit these words out, if you need to, but honestly, I thought it’s going to be a gigantic rip-off. I think any guy that just wants to just do research and know about relationships, they look into– they always see pickup artists and all those just little things that you would roll your eyes over.
Ben: Initially, when I was looking into seeing your Reddit posts and your videos, I initially thought, “Okay, this is just a really well-placed scam. She’s trying to hit into a certain demographic where we’re really sensitive about it.” I was like, “No, this is complete BS, it’ll probably be a joke after two weeks.” That was my initial thinking. But what made me really just go all-in with you, there are two reasons.
One, I think one post indicated that you have to invest in yourself. I think, for me, it was both, I thought was a scam, I thought was ridiculous. Why am I, a 40-year-old dude, doing this? Am I truly at the end of my rope? I thought about it in the sense of working out. “Hey, maybe I’m really out of shape. I need a coach to get me back.” That is really no different. It’s what you invest in yourself.
I looked at it as more of personal investment. It’s like health or fitness coach, or your relationship coach or well-being coaching or a mindset coach or something like that. That made me say, “Okay, you know what? I’ll give it a shot.” Plus, again, you come out very genuine and it just struck a chord with me on how you really just talk about the difficulties and challenges. You actually talked more about the negative things in a relationship, and all the terrible qualities versus just, “Oh, I’m 100% success.” Check out 99 of 100– I found that really helpful.
What he can say about my coaching style
Ruby: Awesome. No, that’s great. I love your honesty with that. I respect that because a lot of people, they’ve come across either me on Reddit, or me in general, and they would think like, “Oh, this can’t be real.” But you took a chance on me, I think one, because you recognize how much you did want a relationship still. Two, you’re willing to invest. Three, you took the chance and gave me a chance and got to know me. Here you are now. In the process of working with me, how did you feel about my guidance? My coaching style or anything like that, PDFs, whatever you felt like really helped you, what did you feel that I was able to bring to the table that helped you get the lady you have now?
Ben: Again, initially, I thought this is just going to be a joke. You’re going to just send me a few PowerPoint motivational ideas, and “Rah, rah, rah, you can do it and we’ll talk next week.” But the more I talk to you, you’re really tough. I think that’s what brought a level of respect. You’re very honest with me. You said, “Ben, this is how I see you. This is what’s not working out for you.” It’s not necessarily trying to make me into a different person, per se. I think your approach was more like, “Hey, we need to just showcase who you are. You don’t have to fake the funk.” That’s what I think a lot of “dating coaches” do is that it’s more of, “Okay, well, if you follow these procedures, you’re going to this person to attract someone.”
For you, I felt it was more organic. You’re definitely tough. The material that you gave me, the material is just like seeing a psychologist. It’s just working on you, not tactics, but just working on you. That level of professionalism, that level of authenticity, I just felt I was truly not as a customer, but like a client. There are two different things.
I think that’s what struck me with how I think effective I thought you were and how genuine you were. Like I said, you’re extremely tough and you’re honest, you cut to the core of things. I think that’s what you need. You’re definitely a rah-rah coach, don’t get me wrong, you’re very positive, but you’re real. I think that that’s what I appreciated the most.
Ruby: Oh, that’s awesome. No, I really appreciate that. It’s such a compliment to me. It’s funny because people have always said that I’m tough, but at the same time, I’m your cheerleader too. I always say, like, “I’m not going to bring you down and tear you apart.” Kind of like holding a mirror up to you and having the truth or showing you the reality of it, but also helping you realize that there’s a way that this can work.
Your journey, in general, especially with dating, I remember when you first got out there and tried to actually talk to women, whether that be offline or online, you got a lot of interest. I think that surprised you. Tell everyone a little bit more about the journey of dating itself, and also how you’re feeling now? Now that you’ve dated the ladies you have and decide to be exclusive with someone.
Ben’s dating journey
Ben: I had no idea how to do then. I will freely admit that. A lot of is you make it up as you go. Just in a couple of months’ timeframe– I’m an online dater, that was my bread and butter before Ruby. It was just, “Okay. I’ll make my profile, take whatever pictures. Yeah, I’ll take whatever tips are out there.” I crafted something that I thought was cool. Then, let’s just see how it goes.
I would get maybe two or three hits maybe within a month’s timeframe, maybe one to two months. The hits that I got, it was just sketchy and worrisome. It was very random. I think it was as true of a random crapshoot, as you can often see it was. When I met you, Ruby, it was totally different. You set up– again, it’s that authenticity where you broke down my response to my questions about myself what I wanted, and you were genuine about it. You said, “Okay, what makes you happy?” Not what you think will make you happy, what you think will attract million ladies? I’ll put a caveat, my goal is not to like– it’s never been a numbers game for me. It’s just more quality over quantity.
Nonetheless, when I took Ruby’s coaching and Ruby’s advice, literally within the first week that I set up a profile under her guidance, my God, it was crazy. I got 10 or 15 hits early on. I told you, I was like, “I was overwhelmed because I never had this much volume.” I think what was really great about you is that you didn’t really focus so much on the volume. This is core to how you are. You’re like, “Well, let’s not worry about the number. How do you feel about these individuals? Let’s focus on the ones actually work,” which again, I think that’s great. I think this is against any other dating coach individual where they’re like, “Nope. Hey, you got 100 hits, you’re successful. Thumbs up.”
For you, it’s more like, “Oh, well, that’s good that you got these number of hits, but let’s try to focus on quality, making sure that you’re not making the same mistakes that you did in the past.” Definitely, I saw not only a high uptake in just ladies but just being able to at least authentically connect with the few that I felt were really worth it. Yeah, I’ve never seen so much activity just from the “likes” in my life before Ruby. Just dealing with getting the guidance from Ruby, during the entire process was super helpful and helped me.
It actually helped build my own self-confidence as well and understanding of being more comfortable in what I want, and not being afraid of saying, “Okay, you know what? Nope, let’s not go this route.” Even with all my other hang-ups and my insecurities, you said, “No, be yourself, be honest.” Again, with your mindset and your encouragement, your work with me, I was able to find someone. That comes back to the full circle where I’ve been with that same person for the last two months, and it’s a feeling that I haven’t had in a very long time.
What he feels right after getting matches on dating apps
Ruby: That’s amazing. Describe what is that feeling like? Sometimes people want to know, how does it actually feel to be in a, well, healthier relationship than you’ve had before?
Ben: I guess from my scenario, I was very arrogant and cocky back in the day. Just being Asian dude, you have your own sets of “stereotypical standards” and “expectations,” and you don’t really– you put up a front to yourself for a long time. I think going forward working with Ruby is more just comfortable with me. When I found someone, I think what– during our work, during our discussions, and during our many critiques and viewpoints, I felt happy finding someone that I was comfortable with, and being secure with, and just not being afraid to be open to.
What happened was, is that you get what you give out. I found someone who was just as equally comfortable and wanting to find someone to be just as comfortable. That connection was earth-shattering because I hadn’t had that connection for a very long time, even with my previous marriage. I think that level of just honesty, and just being comfortable, it was just freeing. I haven’t had that sense of just calm happiness in a very long time.
Ruby: Oh, that’s amazing. I love that description. I haven’t heard about that calm happiness, because it’s true. At the end of the day, with relationships, the person that you hang out with or talk to every day, you hope to not feel anxious, or worried or you walk on eggshells, but there’s a level of comfort there, that you feel that person really knows you and that you can be yourself. That’s really the ultimate win. That is so awesome. I’m so happy for you. I will always remember when you even got excited about her because she was someone that you thought is impossible. She’s someone who’s very straightforward. She is someone who initiates. She initiated the phone call with you, right?
What about being an Asian
Ruby: It was like those kinds of ladies are out there, guys. You just got to be able to attract them. As you just said, you mentioned before, how you are Asian. A lot of times, especially in the Asian culture, like this kind of stuff, it’s kind of shameful to potentially do. It’s scary to get help on such a vulnerable topic. Can you speak to them? What would you say to people that may fear that or worry about it?
Ben: Yeah, I think the internet is a powerful place to see a lot of things. Even if you google just dating coach, you’ll most likely see just a lot of just ridiculous nonsense and just negative thoughts about it. Honestly, I thought the same too. Like I told you earlier, I thought I’m like, “Great. This is my last stop. This is what it’s come down to, is just trying to find some random person to help me with relationships.” I thought it was all ridiculous.
I came in, does not believe in a single thing. To a certain extent, as an Asian person, it’s embarrassing, to even admit to doing anything for self-improvement of any kind, outside of maybe just the gym. Anything else, it’s just seen as embarrassing, you’re weak, maybe you’re not meant to date and it’s just that bad, what I call the vicious circle that I think a lot of Asian guys go through.
There are some that are just totally cool, and they’re happy and that’s great. But I think there’s just a good percentage of men who think, “I don’t want to do this. This is embarrassing. What if I tried to do this and I just get embarrassed?” I think that level of embarrassment, that level of shame was probably the hardest thing to overcome. But I can be really honest, Ruby is just as good of a just a person as a coach as anyone. I never felt like I was ever ashamed of talking to her. She’s very encouraging. I always say she’s just that really, really positive, truly positive friend that always looks out for you.
That’s what she approaches. I never felt it was a business with her. That’s key. That’s why I tell anyone that is worried or they feel like, “Oh, this is just, whatever, this is a scam, this testimony was just way too scripted, or there’s just no way there’s something like this happen to a guy like this.” I can truly say, no. Even the worst of scenarios, Ruby is there for you. She wants you to grow and to be happy.
For any person that just has any doubts, literally, like I said, it’s an investment yourself. You just got to put the work, you’ve got to put the effort. If you go with it, like I did with a skeptical mind, but with an ongoing skeptical mind, of course, it’s not going to work, but that’s like anything that you do. If you want to work out and get ripped for six months, and you need to exercise coach, well, to get that you have to put effort in. Then, most people will fail because it’s just too hard, they don’t believe, and of course, it’s not going to work. I think just put all the skepticism aside, go through it with an open heart, go with it with an open mind and you will see results, just like anything else that you invest in yourself on.
Qualities to become successful in this journey
Ruby: That is amazing. Well, preach, I was going to say. That was great. Actually, it leads to one of our last questions here and you actually noted some of the qualities, but I guess it’s clear to bring clarity. What qualities do you think one needs to be successful in this and be like you, dating someone exclusively and happy? What qualities do you– you said effort and things like that, but to be clear, if they want to work with me, what are some tips and pointers you feel that they need to do to be where you are?
Ben: Just be honest. Be honest with yourself, be honest with what you want. Like anyone else, Ruby’s not going to judge you. There’s no judgment. Just think of it like a judgment-free zone. You have to be honest, that’s the most important thing. I think if you hold back, if you say, “Yeah, yeah, I read your material,” but you don’t really do it, then you’re really not going to get its full effect.
I think that’s so important is just to– you can be skeptical, you can have your jokes, but just give yourself the full honest effort. It was really hard for me in terms of scheduling just to do it. Early on, it was like, “Oh, okay, this is just going to be like a 60-minute pep talk, or a 45-minute pep talk.” I still said, “I’m going to sit down, listen to her. I’m going to be honest with her.
Again, being Asian, we always have this need to sugarcoat some things, or just by reflex or by reaction, say, “Well, okay, I have this flaw, but it’s really not a flaw, because I feel embarrassed about this flaw.” Just layout. She has a master’s in family therapy, people. That’s the other thing. She knows what she’s talking about. I think that’s a very big deal. She has credentials and knowledge to actually want to try to help you. Just be open and be honest. That’s my two big things for anyone that wants to call in.
Ruby: Awesome. I love that. That is actually probably something I even mentioned to you when we first started. I was like, “All I ask of you is to be honest, even during the tough times.”
What I love about working with Ben
Ruby: I don’t want you to brush it off because then I wouldn’t know until and– the worst thing that can happen is, you go on many sessions, and then let’s say you don’t understand any of it, and you get frustrated and was like, “Wait a second. I’m so confused. How did we get here?”
Ruby: Even in those moments, when you’re honest about, “Wait, I don’t know how that works, but doesn’t it mean this and this,” I’m always able to at least give you an honest response back versus pulling it in. I love that, and the fact of being open to the process. I loved your example of, “Yeah, you’re obviously skeptical,” but there was a level of openness, too, because I do think it is unhealthy to keep being skeptical every single week, get anywhere, but you took it like, “Okay, well, I’m skeptical, but you know what? I’m still going to try and let’s see if I approach this lady, I’m going to prove Ruby wrong.”
Ben: You’ve got to let it run its course. It’s so easy to defeat yourself early on.
Ben: Just see it through and you’ll see results. I know that for you it’s 100%– nothing’s guaranteed. Nothing in life is guaranteed. Anything that’s guaranteed is your effort. You guarantee your effort, then you’ll see something come out of it.
Ruby: Love it. That’s a great place to wrap up. Thank you so much for sharing everything today. I loved all the details about your journey and I’m really happy for you. Once again, thank you for joining us, sharing your story. I hope all you guys enjoyed it. Then, I wish you and her the best of luck, but I know at least for us, you’ll keep me updated. I’ll know whatever happens–
Ben: Well, sure
Ruby: Thank you again and have a good one.
Ben: You, too. Thank you, Ruby.
Dating during the pandemic and being divorced is very challenging that some people have beaten themselves up without even trying to figure out how they’ll be able to go out of the trap. If you happen to come across this topic and if you are one of those who doesn’t know where to start and wants to go out of the fence…I got you! I would love to help you become successful in your dating journey.