Analysis paralysis is the state of over-analyzing or overthinking a situation, and this can happen to any one of us. Jack, one of my clients was brave enough to share and admitted that he has dating analysis paralysis, and he always caught himself in a distressing cycle of overthinking when he didn’t get a response and assumes that he has done something wrong. He has been figuring out how to overcome dating analysis paralysis on his own until he found me and follows every step. His dating journey story will surely inspire you to take the risk than figuring everything out on your own. Below is the transcription of Ruby’s discussion with Jack and has been revised for clarity.
Finding a quality match with an updated dating profile
Jack: I’m actually in a relationship. It’s going on for five months now. It’s with someone who I met through one of the dating profiles that Ruby helped me set up. I would not have been able to meet her if I had kept my own style of dating profiles.
I found someone that was kind of a quality match for a person that has similar traits as me. We have similar aspirations for travel, for a career, and freelance work as an entrepreneur. So, it really helped. If you think about, maybe calculate as an engineer, I was thinking. “Well, if I’m wasting months of trial and error, and just going out there and trying to date someone. All the dates you spend, dinners and drinks and buying stuff and maybe 2 or 3 out of 10 of them actually come out second dates.” You’re spending all this money like, randomly trying, you’re not even sure you’re meeting the right people.
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Jack: I think if you’re more dedicated, more focused on finding the niche and values of the type of people you want. Ruby condenses months of random searching and wandering to just a few weeks of focused work. If you’re on the fence, I think you have to look at just how important it is to find someone special and not be alone and to feel that the money you’re putting in is toward your long-term happiness. For me, I couldn’t put a price tag on it. I knew it was more than what I had to pay to meet with Ruby and work through this.
Getting to know about Jack
Ruby: Hey, guys. Thank you for listening or hopping on this audio. We have another story for you today that I’m so excited for you to hear. I think it’s a very inspirational one. It’s with one of my own clients who has made it really far in this journey. This is Jackie. Hi, Jackie. How are you doing?
Jack: Hi, there, Ruby. Thanks for inviting me.
Ruby: Yeah, of course. Thank you so much for hopping on and being willing to share your story with everyone. So, let’s just jump right in. We’re going to just start with an introduction. So, tell me a little bit about who you are, where you started, and where you are now.
Jack: Absolutely. My name is Jack. I’m 37 years old. I’m an IT professional and also a part-time tennis coach. Before Ruby, I dated mostly casually and through friends. Also, I’ve had a few relationships I guess over a year, year, and a half in the past that I think too long. I recently moved to the West Coast and found Ruby at a meet-up actually for introverts. I didn’t know she did this dating coach job until near the end, she mentioned to the group. That’s how I met Ruby.
Ruby: Awesome. What was it that got you to thinking, “Okay, I will seek this guidance,” and I guess I’d jump ahead, and where are you now after?
How the introvert meetup has helped him
Jack: For me, it was partly twofold. One, I was new to the city. I was trying to just meet people in general. The introvert meetup helped me do that. And then also, I knew, because I was in New City, I had to find new relationships, start dating in a new city and it was a little bit difficult. I tried going out and just meeting people, but it’s hard enough just finding friends, much less a partner. So, I knew that because I was on travel so much, it was difficult for me to spend a lot of time. Ruby kick-started that and accelerated the whole learning process, so I could figure out what are the exact steps I need to do next to start dating.
Ruby: Awesome. Where are you now?
Setting up a dating profile
Jack: I‘m actually in a relationship. It’s going on for five months now. It’s with someone who I met through one of the dating profiles that Ruby helped me set up
and I would not have been able to meet her if I had kept my own style of dating profiles. Ruby really did a makeover for the online part of my dating.
I think I found someone that was kind of a quality match, a person that has similar traits as me and similar aspirations for travel, for career, and freelance work as an entrepreneur. So, it really helped.
Ruby: I’m so happy and so excited for you. I always remember, I think you talked about her and then months later emailed me, and I was like, “Oh, that’s awesome,” which is great because, yeah, Jack always keeps me updated. So, I always appreciate that. Speaking of how you got to that point, what do you think was the biggest obstacle that you overcame or, I guess, the most helpful knowledge you’ve gained during the time with me?
His biggest obstacle
Jack: First starting off, I was a little hesitant. I did a lot of research, compared a lot of different dating sites, and pay-to-post things and everything out there under the sun.
But I was most attracted to the idea that I’d have one-on-one coaching with Ruby and then being able to talk to her at least once a week. We’d have our scheduled meeting and then being able to go over what worked and what didn’t work in the previous week and the things that I should practice and rehearse and try out in my everyday life.
That all came together and made me feel it was a better fit. Like I mentioned, the biggest obstacle was, I was coming to the West Coast, I’m kind of an introvert. So, I don’t really actually try to go to bars, meet people at clubs, or things like that.
Ruby: Can you actually share a little bit about– even during our program, there were obstacles or struggles that came up and I feel a lot of people would align with that process. Because even working with me, it’s not always like, “It’s all easy.” There’s still a lot of work that’s involved in it. So, can you talk a little bit about, I say, certain struggles that you even vocalized to me, and especially in the western mindset? I think you grew a lot in that. So, I wanted to touch base with that.
Going through the process.
Jack: Thank you. I knew that for me, personally. I had to grow a lot to be more patient and then go through the process and just slowly a week at a time. Just learn one thing, you get at it, practice it, and then you move on to the next thing and learn it. I didn’t really have success. To be honest, the first three or four weeks, I put stuff out there. I’d messaged a bunch of girls, and I was getting frustrated because I wasn’t getting results.
The messages that are coming back were few and far between, but I tweaked my profiles a little bit with Ruby’s help. We got some pictures in there and then also she told me to try to stay the course, practice the modules we had gone over and try to– you have to trust yourself.
Things don’t magically happen overnight. It just takes persistence and patience again to actually get results in the long run, but it helped because I was getting quality results when I did get them. So, that’s the biggest difference.
How to overcome dating analysis paralysis
Ruby: Love that. And then, can you speak a little bit about the overthinking that sometimes happens, because I love that you mentioned how, at times it’s you’re not getting the results and it makes you antsy, and you’re wondering, “Huh. When’s that going to come?” So, you start overthinking. How did you overcome that and that whole process of changing that habit?
Jack: Absolutely. Later on, actually, I found out that I had a mild case of anxiety. For my anxiety, it’s basically overthinking, overanalyzing, analysis paralysis, where basically I’m seeing certain results, and then I’m interpreting them in a very overanalytical or negative way. For example, if I get two, three messages, and then suddenly, I wouldn’t hear anything, I would just assume, “Oh, they don’t like me anymore,” or “I did something wrong. I said something wrong.” I would just be too critical about not getting success. It comes back to I’m kind of A student mentality. So, I always thought, “If I’m doing the right things, something good should be happening right away.” It’s that overcoming the mindset of ruminating about why things aren’t happening and then overanalyzing.
Ruby: Right. It’s like reducing and calming your mind out and everything. But because of that, I think I definitely saw was the biggest growth you had. At the end of it, you have patience, you’re cool and it did eventually lead to this relationship, which is awesome. So, it all turned out well.
Jack: Absolutely.
A summary of my guidance
Ruby is a no-nonsense girl
Jack: Can you actually give a summary of my guidance and my coaching and how you would describe it and what worked for you?
Jack: Right off the bat! I knew Ruby is a no-nonsense girl. She’s pretty direct. She gives you the bullet points. She summarizes things very well. She’ll condense things that she offers.
What do guys need to do if they struggle with their dating journey?
I think what most guys need solutions, direct actionable steps that you can take to fix this problem. It’s not just like a psychiatric consultation, where you’re sitting on a bed and just talking to her for an hour. She actually gives you things you can work on and things that will help you to get better. That’s where her directness helps keeps you on track.
Ruby: Thanks. Yes, I like to say no-nonsense. But, I think I told you even on the first meeting or call me like, “I’m very straightforward.” You’re like, “Good.” So, it worked out for both of us. All right, so I know you said in the beginning that you are in this relationship now. Overall, in this relationship mindset-wise, confidence-wise, how are you feeling now?
How his girl was able to find out that he is serious?
Jack: Like any relationship, there are ups and downs and I know that the things and hard work I put into it pay dividends over the long run. I’d actually mentioned to this girl I’m dating, after four or five days, she was asking, “All right. Dating all these guys, I don’t know if they’re serious. When I told her, I admitted to her actually, like, “Well, I’ve gone to this dating coach,” and she’s like, “Dating coach?” I was like, “I hired a professional to help me out. Like Hitch” She was interested and I mentioned, it was a large amount of money for me at the time to invest in it, but she was impressed.
I spent over a month of all these modules and seminars to finally meet her, so she knew I was serious. I’m not just putting my profile out there randomly, and then spraying and praying, hoping someone comes back. So, that actually helped me get some credibility or for that I’m serious.
Ruby: Everyone wonders if they should tell the significant other, but you definitely gave it a perspective where it could actually translate to the person that you’re taking dating and all this seriously. Awesome. Usually, many people are too scared to get help on such a vulnerable topic. It can be shameful, especially for certain cultures and certain backgrounds. So, can you speak to that and what would you say to them?
His perspective as an Asian American
Jack: Yeah, definitely from, I guess, my perspective, as an Asian American, you know the dating techniques and stuff aren’t really discussed in your family, affection and stuff aren’t really shown.
I think Ruby has a good perspective on that too. She understood where I’m coming from.
At the same time, I knew because I’m kind of a busy person, and I need to get someone to keep me on track. As a fitness coach or a person that spots you when I do tennis, I have to keep someone working on the same thing, like the serve, the forehand. Ruby really kept me in line and working toward those things.
So, when I felt shame to try even online dating, for example, I had never thought 5, 10 years ago, I would meet someone online. I knew that because Ruby was trying to get me to grow as a person too.
Different kinds of investment
It’s not just an investment in dating. I think it’s an investment in your communication style, your ability to make friends, and connections. So, she gives the whole package.
Ruby: Thanks, and love that. It really does– when you work on one part of your life. Sometimes you don’t even see it, but the affects other areas of your life. I also love the comparison with– you are a tennis coach, you’re a coach yourself, and why the coach is useful. Dating may be a taboo topic, if you think about it, what a coach is, is if you don’t have the knowledge, or you don’t know where to get to a certain or how to get to a certain result, that’s why you get a coach, right?
Jack: I think you’re great at communication and improving connections to others which helps me in my business, in my life, and not just dating, it helped in a lot of things.
A worthy investment
Ruby: You mentioned even before that when you were telling your girlfriend about this, it was a heavy investment for you. So, everyone of course that comes through knows that. What are the reasons you noticed this kind of investment was worth it when you first said yes and you took the dive and said, “Let’s do this”?
Jack: I think the biggest thing is I’m 37 and time’s getting short and also if you calculate it as an engineer. I was thinking if I’m spending wasting months of trial and error just going out there and trying to date someone, all the dates you spend, dinners and drinks and buying stuff, and maybe 2 or 3 out of 10 of them actually come out second dates.
Qualities to become successful in dating
You’re spending all this money randomly trying. You’re not even sure you’re meeting the right people. I think if you’re more dedicated, more focused on finding the niche and the values of the type of people you want. Ruby condenses months of random searching and wandering to just a few weeks of focused work. I think that’s a more productive way of approaching dating than just trying random ideas that your friends tell you, or you just show up at clubs and bars.
Ruby: Yeah, it’s an investment in, well, time. And shortening the time, it would have probably taken for you to figure it out and things like that. Love that. So, but not least– No, actually I have two more questions. What qualities do you think one needs to be successful in this and be like you and be at the spot that you’re at? What would you say to someone is like, “I think you need these qualities to succeed”?
Jack: I think the qualities that most helped me is just being able to be a little bit more reflective and understand yourself first. When you know yourself, you’re going to find who you’re really looking for.
The difference between his dating game a few years ago
Ten years ago in my 20s. The person I was thinking I needed and wanted to be dating and stuff were completely different than in my 30s. As I learned through mistakes and past relationships and also going through Ruby’s worksheets. Where she guides you through certain things that mean something to you and what you’re looking for. It helped me hone down what it is that’s important.
You have to be honest with yourself. Be humble enough to seek a little bit of guidance, support, coaching, whatever you want to call it. You just have to go with the process.
She has been successful over the years. I’ve seen her TED talks and all the testimonials from other people. I knew she was a legit coach, and she could do this for a living. So, she obviously knows what she’s talking about.
Self-awareness: The most important process
Ruby: That was so great. A lot of self-awareness, I think. If it’s not there yet, in the beginning, to grow in that is very important in this process. Last but not least. People that are listening to this are kind of on the fence or edge to working with me. So, I’m going to leave it to you. What would you say to them?
Jack: I think it’s definitely worth doing the first phone call. I remember sitting down and just going over my background. Hearing what your plan would be if you were to take me on– and you were really pretty busy. I believe you had eight or nine other students, clients, working with you at the time. I was really grateful that you spent the time to have the chat with me and tell me honestly how much support or time you could give to helping me.
We worked out a pretty comfortable schedule. The fact that I had to travel to Europe for two-three weeks and you still were able to workaround. I think that was really supportive and helpful and understanding of you to offer that. So, it’s very generous. If you’re on the fence. I think you have to look at just how important it is to find someone special and not be alone and to feel that the money you’re putting in is toward your long-term happiness. I couldn’t put a price tag on it, I knew it was more than what I had to pay to meet with Ruby and work through this.
Ruby: Thank you so much for sharing all that today.
Jack: Absolutely.
Ruby: I really, really appreciate your time and all of that. I’m pretty sure whoever is listening to this is grateful for it as well. Thank you so much for joining me today. Until next time, guys, until the next story. I hope this really inspired you and motivated you to, well, like he said, this is for the long term. If you want that special someone and maybe quite an investment in time, energy, or financially the beginning, but know if you’re serious about finding that person, then while I’m here for you. Thank you so much again, Jack, and have a good one.
Overcoming dating analysis paralysis is a no joke, but dealing with it along with the guidance of a professional dating coach is one of the right decisions. Jack’s story is proof that investing in guidance shortening time and can certainly save you spending money trying to meet the right people.
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