How do you write the best online dating opener? What’s the best first message to send? More importantly, what first online message gets her to respond? The initial message is everything. If anything has ever said the message doesn’t matter, that is not the case.
On apps like Hinge, you may send a cold message, it sends her a notification. She will, then, read the message and if it’s a great message, it entices her to respond. She may check your profile after to decide if she will, but many times, if a woman really likes a message, she will likely respond. Even if you mutually have liked each other, there are many times women don’t respond to your first message. So, yes, the first initial online dating message you send is incredibly important if you want her to respond!
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DO NOT write these kind of initial messages
It’s important to know what kind of first messages to NOT send. Trust me, as a woman myself who’s done online dating in the past, men send very common messages that do not get us women to want to respond. To help, I pulled real messages received by ladies and reviewed them to show you my reaction and comments to them. These types of messages are very common and if you do any of them, don’t worry about making the mistake, take the time to change it up moving forward!
Watch the video below for the message review of online dating messages to not send:
How to write the best initial message
The first step before writing anything is choosing what to write about. But, it’s not what you think — it’s not just “pick something on her profile to talk about”
Initial message: Finding what to talk about
The real first step is choosing the best topic to talk about from her profile. It is no surprise that women, especially attractive ones, get many messages and matches everyday. It can get overwhelming so ladies may miss your profile, not fully giving it the chance, or accidentally swipe left.
Cold messaging (sending an initial message when they have not liked you yet or when a mutually match has not been made) gives you a higher chance to get noticed. Meaningful and thoughtful questions will catch their attention because:
- It shows you put in more effort than just swiping by or copy/pasting messages
- It showcases more of your personality and how you two, specifically, can potentially connect.
It’s about the right question for the right topic.
The steps in choosing what to talk about for the first message:
- Read through her profile and find 2 options to bring up
- Choose the option that is the most unique and stands out. Unique in the sense that you don’t see many other women post it or you’re sure most men will not ask about. Many men will ask about the most easiest topic (trust me, as a woman who has online dated, it’s very common for men to pick the same topic). Stay away from asking about travel, restaurants/food, and hiking/biking.
- (Popular ones: Interesting/odd interests, yoga/meditation/mindfulness, self- growth, values of hers that stands out)
- Choose a topic/interest that you already share in common with her OR you are currently curious about yourself
- e.g. if you see she meditates and you’ve been wanting to practice, you’re genuinely curious about learning. Remember, you don’t have the share the common interest
- Make sure you can ask a question that allows you to get to know her internally (and continue the conversation after)
- Stay away from questions like “what’s your favorite destination?” you will just end up talking about that exact place, not about yourselves. Ask questions that allows her to tell you a story….about her journey, her values, her core, like “how do you choose the destinations?”
Make sure to watch this video here, I go over real profiles and show you which are the best topics to ask about.
It’s helpful to see all of this in practice instead of just conceptualizing it, so I highly suggest to watch.
Now, let’s talk about the exact steps to write the best first message that gets her to respond
Writing the best online dating message opener formula:
- Validate what you’re talking about
- This makes it clear on what you’re pointing out from her profile. By validating, you’re also complimenting her on a positive traits you see. A simple “that’s great, you’re adventurous too!” will show you not only share that trait, but you giving her a compliment.
- State a fact about yourself related to the topic chosen
- It gives a woman more reason to answer when she knows why you’re asking the question or if you share that common fact with her. Most women (including me) when they read a question will wonder “….can you relate? Why are you asking that?” and it’s easy to think you just picked a random question to ask.
- When you show you can relate, or that you’re curious about learning, a woman will understand and feel more enticed to share her thoughts with you. There is less hesitation
- Ask a question that asks about her
- If you’re commenting on a funny topic, you may utilize humor to ask a sarcastic or funny question (please make sure the tone comes across well and she’d get the joke)
- For any other topics, make sure to ask a question that will allow her to tell a story about herself and the response to your question will lead to more different subjects in a conversation
And that’s it! Remember these important additional notes:
- Do not ask multiple questions in the first message
- If you’re trying to be funny, make sure it’s very obvious. Tone is very difficult to interrupt with messaging so only use humor if you know anyone can understand it
- Keep the message short and simple. It’s still, very possible, to fulfill the above without making it too long. Here are some great examples of initial messages (and responses!)
If you want to learn how to continue the messaging after her response, leading to your first date, get the video and PDF below
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