Should You Date Someone Like You? Or Opposite?

It’s one of the oldest questions in the dating world: Do opposites attract in relationships, or do birds of a feather flock together? When you’re thinking about who you want to date, it’s pretty important to be clear on what you’re seeking. Otherwise, you might find yourself lost, dating a bunch of people, and quickly realizing dating isn’t fun anymore because you don’t know what you’re doing. So, let’s dive into whether you should look for a partner who mirrors you or one who is your polar opposite.

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The Myth of “Opposites Attract” (When It Goes Wrong)

Let’s tackle the “opposites” idea first. Should you date someone completely opposite from you? My straightforward answer is no. There’s a saying: “Opposites attract, but then they attack.” While initial differences can be intriguing, a relationship with someone completely opposite on fundamental levels often isn’t healthy in the long run and can lead to constant conflict.

The Case for Similarity: Aligning on What Truly Matters

 So, if not complete opposites, should you date someone just like you? Well, it’s a “yes and no” situation.

YES, you should date someone like you when it comes to your core values, fundamental beliefs, and general lifestyle. These foundational elements are crucial for long-term compatibility. Imagine your life with a partner; you’ll want to be doing mostly similar things and agreeing on the big picture.

Think about it:

• If you’re a truly adventurous person who loves exploring, dating someone who is not adventurous whatsoever will make it very difficult to share activities and interests you value.
• If you’re a deep introvert who recharges alone, pairing with an extreme extrovert who needs constant social interaction to feel energized will likely lead to a lot of friction.

Action Step: Reflect on your own life. What are your non-negotiable core values and identity traits? your ideal lifestyle look like? What do you enjoy doing and talking about for hours? List these out – aim for around six key qualities that are truly part of who you are and that you wouldn’t want to change. You’ll want a partner who shares most of these.

The “Not Exactly Like You” Factor: Where Differences Shine

While core alignment is key, you probably don’t want to date an exact clone of yourself either. Most people seeking long-term partners recognize the importance of growth, and growth often comes from being with someone who isn’t identical to you.

This is where complementary differences come in. Instead of “opposite” for opposition’s sake, think about qualities that can:

• Help you grow: Look for traits in a partner that can help you develop in areas you desire.
• Balance you out: Sometimes, qualities that are different from ours provide a healthy balance.

Think about it this way:

• Consider the person you aspire to be or areas where you feel you could improve. What qualities would a partner have that could support that growth?
  • For example, as a risk-taker and dreamer, I knew I needed someone more grounded, stable, and logical to bring balance to my life – which I found in my husband.
• If you’re very introverted but want to become more social, you might seek someone who is a bit more outgoing (not necessarily an extreme extrovert) who can gently encourage you to step out of your comfort zone.

The goal is to find qualities in a partner that complement you and help you evolve into the person you know you’re capable of becoming.

Finding Your Balance: The 10 Qualities Approach

To put this all together, here’s a practical approach:

1. Create a list of about 10 qualities you’re seeking in a partner.
2. Aim for 6-7 of these qualities to be similar to your own – focusing on those core values, beliefs, and lifestyle preferences you identified earlier.
3. For the remaining 3-4 qualities, look for traits that are “opposite” in a positive, complementary way – things that will balance you, help you grow, or bring a different, valuable perspective.

The Verdict: It’s All About Balance

So, should you date someone like you or your opposite? The answer is a balanced blend of both.

• You shouldn’t be completely similar on all ends – that leaves little room for growth.
• You definitely shouldn’t be completely opposite – that’s often a recipe for conflict and misunderstanding.

The healthiest approach is to seek a partner who shares your fundamental values and desired lifestyle, ensuring core compatibility. Then, look for those exciting differences that complement your personality, balance your tendencies, and inspire mutual growth. Remember, no one is 100% anything all the time; it’s about finding a harmonious balance in the qualities you share & the qualities where you differ.