Cody, a military officer in San Diego, is currently in a long-distance relationship and very much in love. How did this happen? Well, when he promised himself that he would seek assistance when he returned to SD after being stationed for work. His lacking of dating experience left him feeling insecure and afraid of rejection before he started coaching. He then overcame his challenges through my coaching style, which emphasized self-assurance and prompted him to take initiative.
During our time together, we worked on initiating conversations with strangers but he really struggled with it due to mindset obstacles. However, he continued to remember the practices. Cody ended up meeting his girlfriend in Japan through a conversation about working out while he was stationed in Japan. The two hit it off and decided to go for a run on their first date and spent three-and-a-half-hour together.
They were able to keep their long-distance relationship alive and filled with love thanks to constant communication and frequent visits despite the fact that they were physically separated by a continent. The path Cody took to find love and happiness demonstrates the value of initiative and a willingness to seek guidance.
Below is the transcription of Cody’s interview, which has been updated for clarity.
Cody’s decision to seek assistance
Ruby: Hi, Ruby here. So excited to share with you a really actually inspiring story from one of my clients. And as you can tell, we are doing this live in in-person, because we are in San Diego, if you don’t know, I’m in San Diego. So, whenever I have clients in San Diego, it’s really nice to meet up in person. I’m so happy that Cody here is here with me to tell you guys his story and where he is now. I hope you guys give a full listen to this because this is great. So, welcome, Cody. How are you today?
Cody: Thank you. I’m doing good.
Ruby: Thank you so much for doing this again. So, let’s just get started. All right, so can you tell everyone a little bit more, I guess, about yourself, and also what your experience was before me, and quickly just go over where you are now?
Cody: Yes. Okay. So, I work in the military. I’ve lived in San Diego now for 10 years, been stationed here. Before I met you, I was just going from internet site to internet site, just trying to get something to work. So, now I am happily in a relationship.
Ruby: Yay. Fantastic. Oh, how old are you?
Cody: Oh, yes. I am 32 years old.
Ruby: There you go. 32 years young. Okay. So, in the beginning, especially in our work, what did you feel made dating harder for you when you started? What were you worried about, what was the difficulties, what was happening?
Dealing with Insecurities and Fear of Rejection
Cody: I would say that in the beginning, what made things difficult for me was my inexperience. I had only been in three relationships at that time, so I didn’t really quite know what I was doing, and that led to a lot of confidence issues that I had. And so, because of that, there was a lot of fear and anxiety that came with that.
Ruby: Got you. Okay. What do you think was the fear of it all?
Cody: I think the fear was, well, one, it was just mental. It was like my own thoughts in my own head. But it was all driven by rejection. That’s the number one answer for everyone.
Ruby: Right. No one likes to be rejected. It is not fun, guys. So, with that, I guess you’d say a lot of internal obstacles that you were going through, but also it didn’t help with your past experiences, because you were trying. I remember you tried before. It’s not like you’re sitting there not knowing what to do. You’re like, you actually actively got out there, tried to date, but things just weren’t working out.
Cody: Yes.
Overcoming Challenges through Coaching
Ruby: Okay. So, what do you think was the biggest thing that you overcame during our time?
Cody: I think the biggest thing that I overcame was that confidence and that fear of rejection. I definitely owe that to you and the training that we did together.
Ruby: Tell them more about that. Giving a summary of how I work, was it the strategies? Was it the practice? I know people sometimes say it’s my style of coaching. I would push you in certain ways. Was it the homework? What was it that you think really helped build your confidence and alleviate that kind of fear?
Cody: Yeah, I think what really was, was your style of coaching. I remember our first conversation, you told me that you were going to be firm, as my grandfather would say, firm but loving. So, she would push me in that direction.
She would be like, “Hey, what did you do this week? What were your interactions this week with women?” So, it definitely forced me to go out there and be like, “Okay, she told me I had to talk to three people. I’m going to talk to three people then.”
Ruby: Yes, which you did. I remember it was tough. I think especially at the start, finding that motivation to do so. But through it, and I’m not going to speak for you, but through each interaction, did you feel better about yourself? Because I knew they weren’t perfect. Not every interaction is going to go the way you want, right?
Cody: Yes.
Coaching: Self-Assurance and Initiative
Ruby: So, how did you feel after the interactions? Do you feel more growth or did you feel hard? You can admit it was hard sometimes. How did you keep going and picking yourself back up?
Cody: Yes. Every interaction is just like another piece of that wall coming down. And so, my biggest fear was fear of rejection. The more times you went out there and you just did it, the less that rejection fear was there.
Ruby: Ding, ding, ding. I say that just because I’ve always noted to my clients, and hopefully, for you guys, who are watching, a lot of the times when you start something, it’s so uncomfortable. It’s very uncomfortable. But once you start doing it– potentially, facing a bit more rejection, but you realize, “Oh, okay, one, it’s not too bad. It’s okay. I’m okay.” And then there are still some positive interactions that can still happen in it as well. So, it’s through practice comes progress, and you just keep going with that. Tell me a little bit more about how you’re feeling now in this relationship, how did it start? Tell us about it.
Cody’s Unique Love Story
Meeting His Japanese Bartender Girlfriend in Japan
Cody: Yes. So, I was in Japan, and I went to a bar with my friend, and we had a beer there, and we were talking me and him, and he was like, “Hey, this bartender here, she’s really perfect.” So, he was like, “You need to take the chance.”
Ruby: Yeah.
Cody: So, he got up, and he went to go sing some karaoke, and he left me there with her. And so, the conversation just kept– it kind of got to have an alone time with her and take my shot.
Ruby: Nice. You shoot your shot.
Cody: Yes.
Ruby: So, go into more specifics, especially in the beginning of it, the nerves you felt, and how you push yourself through, and how that conversation even start, what did you say?
Cody: Yes. So, it definitely put in the limelight on it. As soon as my friend was like, “I’m going to go over here, I’m going to go sing karaoke. You stay here, you talk to her.” All of a sudden, that voice in the back of my head is there, and starting to build a little bit of anxiety there. But I circled back into our training and I was like, “You know what? I’m in Japan. I leave tomorrow on a plane. If it works, it works. If not then, whatever.”
Ruby: You tried.
Cody: Yeah.
Ruby: If anything, you’re like, “If it doesn’t work, you tried,” and you can say you did.
Cody: Yes, exactly.
Ruby: Awesome.
Igniting Connections
Cody: Then pretty much I just started with talking to her about running because there was a little bit of connection there while my friend was there. So, I knew that she was a little athletic, and so we got into talking about what kind of things you like to do for fitness. That was our launching point right there.
Ruby: Oh, so, how did you transition to the date?
Cody: Yes. It built off of that launching point. “I’m a big-time runner. Very fast, probably the quickest guy in the squadron. Conversing with her, we’re just starting to get a little playful.” I was just like, “Well, I bet I could beat you in a race.” And of course, my wingman, my buddy comes back from singing karaoke. She’s like, “I bet I’m faster than you.” And he was just like, “I don’t know if you want to race him. He’s the fastest I’ve ever seen.”
Ruby: I love that.
Cody: Yeah. Just that playfulness was really, really the key.
Ruby: So, then what did you say at the end?
A Playful Race to Capture Her Heart
Cody: So, I asked her, and I said, “Well if you want to race sometime, give me your number and I’ll hit you up next time I go out running.” There it was. I had her number. I went back to the hotel, and I was texting her at the hotel, and then we got orders to stay there another week. So, I told her and I was like, “Hey, I’m here for another week. You know of a place around here that you want to go meet up and go have a race?”
Ruby: There you go. And then she showed up, and you guys raced. Did you win? Did you run faster?
Cody: That’s a million-dollar question.
Ruby: Okay.
Unusual First Date
Cody: So, it wound up not being a race that I wanted. She immediately asked me, “So, do you run marathons?” I’m a big macho guy, so I can’t say no here. I got to say yes, “Of course, I run marathons. And who doesn’t run marathons?”
Ruby: Oh, my God, it’s hilarious. Okay. So, it became a marathon? So, it’s a distance.
Cody: Yes.
Ruby: I see.
Cody: We went running for three and a half hours.
Ruby: Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus, I can’t even think of that. Okay. Wow, what a meeting at first, and what a first great first date. I really want to emphasize at this point the use of a connection, which is your athleticism, and liking to run. You obviously heard that and took that and ran with it, literally. But then also, there’s that playfulness. That is key. That is key, guys, to not be afraid to be playful. When I say playful, that also means, it’s like poking fun at either yourself or them. You’re like, “I can beat you in this.” That’s playfulness. It’s not putting them down at all. They say that’s what she enjoys. That’s a really great use of it, and I think it’s more motivating to follow through with the date and you made that become a date.
Cody: Yes.
Connecting Through Shared Interests
Ruby: So, I think it gave more of a reason, probably, for her to, well, make sure you lose in whatever way. Great. Just to clarify, because I don’t think this was said in the beginning, what was the first line you said to her?
Cody: Yeah, really, I just knew that she was into fitness, so I just said, “What type of fitness are you into?” “I’m an adventurous person. I like to go running.”
Ruby: Got you. There you go.
Cody: Yeah.
Ruby: There you go. You in that connection and also you stated something about yourself which is good. That’s how she can relate to you.
Cody: Yes.
Nurturing a Long-Distance Relationship
Ruby: Awesome. Now just walk us through how the relationship is going. I know you two are big travelers. I want you to speak on that because I have a lot of clients who love to travel as well and hope to find somebody where you– I don’t say travel the world, but it is, here and there, because I’m assuming people are hearing you met in Japan. So, they’re like, “How does that work? How did it happen?” So, just go through a quick summary of, from Japan, how it went from there for you guys and building that relationship?
Cody: Yes. It’s obviously more of a long-distance relationship because she lives in Japan, I live here in America. And so, after that extended week, I went back home and we had about a month and a half where we were just really connecting via text message and video chats, and stuff like that. It still felt like really easy to talk with her and the conversations just kept going on and on. We would look down and like four hours have passed.
Navigating Long-Distance Love Across Borders
Cody: It’s like, “Okay, this is awesome.” So, I asked her, I said, “Hey, I know you’re a big traveler. Would you ever be interested in coming to San Diego? I know you have family over here.” She said, “Yeah, I’ll come.” So, she came out in June. For all of June, she was here. She was here with me. As soon as she got here, that connection was so easy. We immediately reconnected right where we were in Japan. And yeah, after a week, it just kept progressing and I dropped that big L bomb.
Ruby: L bomb, Oh, it’s amazing. And then that’s when was it through the L bomb that you realized we’re in a relationship? Was that a talk at all?
Cody: It wasn’t a talk. It was pretty much like, once the L bomb goes out, you’re in a relationship.
Ruby: In that moment, was she like, “Oh, me too,” or did it take a bit for her?
Cody: No, it was just instantaneous. You could feel it. She immediately was just like, “I love you too.” And I was just like, “Wow, this is it.”
Ruby: This is it. And then now, I assume you’re going to do long distance for a bit. How are you guys making that work? Your own schedules and travel schedules as of now, how’s that working?
Constant Communication and Frequent Visits
Cody: Yeah. So, it’s working really well because it just really comes down to basically, communication. It’s such a key in any relationship. But a long-distance relationship is when you only have communication, you have to have that strong communication. So, we make time for each other, which is hard because she lives on the other side of the world. But it’s doable. I wake up in the morning, I have about an hour before I have to go to work, so I call her, and I’m talking to her over the phone while I’m eating my breakfast.
Ruby: Awesome.
Cody: Then before I’m going to bed, she’s going on her lunch break, so she’s spending an hour on the phone talking to me. And then on the weekends, we both have time off, so we’re spending basically all day Skyping each other-
Ruby: And virtual dates.
Cody: -and virtual dates.
Ruby: Yeah, exactly. Awesome.
Cody: Sending photos of, “Hey, this is what I’m doing.” I just took a big road trip and the whole time I had her on the phone. I was sending her pictures. So, it was like she was in the car with me without being in the car with me.
Planning Adventures Across Distance
Cody: Absolutely.
Ruby: -which is actually coming up. Where are you going in?
Cody: Yes. So, we’re actually going to the Philippines.
Ruby: Ah, nice.
Cody: We’re actually leaving this weekend.
Ruby: Yay.
Cody: She’s going to fly from Japan and meet me there, and I’m going to fly from here and meet her there, and we’re going to do a bunch of island hopping together.
Ruby: So fun.
Cody: Yes.
Nurturing Long-Distance Relationship
Ruby: I love that. Here you guys, this is a true story of making long-distance work. But also, if you’re a traveler, that is possible. It doesn’t need to be someone also like, “Oh, they have to be in the States.” I’ve heard of it. When you meet people who live in another country, it’s still possible to make that long-distance work too. You just have to have a plan and communicate and immerse each other in each other’s lives, even if it’s virtually, yeah?
Cody: Yes.
Ruby: Okay. Well, thank you for sharing that story. I’ve seen him before, guys, but his energy is so different than probably the last time I’ve seen him. Before we move on to the last questions here, what would you say like, you two share and you love so much? Besides your adventures, what is it about that connection? What is it that you both love or you love about each other that have that you have?
Discovering compatibility
Cody: It’s just so many commonalities that we have. One of the homework assignments that we did was we had to highlight ourselves, our attractive traits, and then we had to highlight the attractive traits that we’re looking for in a woman.
There are supposed to be some differences there. She hit every single one of those check blocks. It was crazy. We were towards the end of June, and I told her, I was like, “I did this thought experiment, and I went through, and I was looking for someone just like you,” and I showed her to her.
Ruby: Oh.
Cody: She looked at the date on it when it was created and I was like, “You were really the person I’m looking for.”
Ruby: Oh, my gosh. So, literally everything. She check and marked everything that you basically listen to. You can’t even tell me, probably top three, you’re like, “Ruby, we made this list. She’s that.”
Cody: Yes.
Ruby: That is amazing. I assume, of course, she feels that same way about you, or else I wouldn’t be there. So, you were able to feel what makes you attractive but took that and compare it to who you want and match that and attracted her.
Cody: Yes.
Ruby: The right kind of person that’s like that too that would like you, there was a whole strategy, obviously we did in order to attract that kind of person, but also keep her– So, awesome. Exciting. I’m so happy for you again. Okay. So, let’s shoot back now like, I guess to the beginning before you said yes to date coaching and working with me.
Cody: Yes.
The Value of Initiative and Seeking Guidance
Ruby: Two points where most people feel a little stuck on with a dating coach. One is it can feel shameful to get help in dating. It’s not like fitness or health or anything, but people are a little bit more hesitant to do that. It can feel like a shameful topic. But also that and also that it’s a heavy investment. You know that. So, can you speak to those two points? If you all felt shame and if not, what would you say to the readers? But also, what made you, in the beginning, be like, “You know what? You have to have the investment, but I’m going to do it”?
Cody’s turning point
Cody: So, my big turning point and what drove me towards coaching was basically, I was on deployment. On deployment, there’s a lot of downtime. I was sitting there, and I was thinking to myself and I was just like, “Everything is going really well in my life, but if there was one thing that I could just get a little bit of help on, it is just figuring this dating thing out.” And so, I sat there for months waiting for us to return from home and I just told myself, I was like, “You know what? When I get home, I’m going to go find a dating coach.” I’m ready. It’s an aspect of life that I want to improve, and that’s how you get better at anything in life.
You go find the teacher, the master that knows it. But I wanted to find someone that was real. And then the fact that you were here in San Diego, it definitely drove me towards you because a lot of it was turning me off initially was just felt like people were driving me to be someone else. They were like, “Go, say this to her.” I was like, “Okay. Well, what happens if it works?”
Ruby: Use these pick-up lines. And you’re like, “This does not sound like me at all.”
Cody: Yeah. That was the big selling point for me.
How to Deal with the Stigma of Seeking Dating Advice
Ruby: Yay. All right, awesome. I want to make a quick note about that fact, when you don’t feel like you know any area– It could be career, mental health, mindset, or fitness. But when you don’t know how to get to your goal, like you said, why is dating any different? Because normally in those areas, it’s really easy for people to talk about like, “Oh, I got a personal trainer.” Easy-peasy. But when it comes to dating, I don’t know, I guess because it’s just a different kind of guidance that some people feel a little ashamed of.
What you’re saying is, there is no shame in getting help in something that you want. When you want something, you go for it. Why is that a shameful trait, right? If anything, it’s one of your attractive traits, growth, and getting to your goals.
So, now a lot of people I’m pretty sure if they’re reading, most people reading this are curious about date coaching and are on probably the fence about doing this and diving in. Well, there are two-part questions, and we can go through one.
Essential Traits for Achieving Relationship Success
One is, what do you feel like someone needs to be where you are now? People want to be in a relationship, in love, happy and want to get where you are now. But obviously, it’s not like I just tell you what to do, and no one does anything, and every client can find success. There are parts of you that made this successful for yourself. So, what do you think as a, let’s say, a potential client who wants a relationship? What qualities do you think they need to be successful in finding a relationship and getting help?
Cody: I would just say, the main quality that anyone needs to get help for really anything, whether or not it be physical fitness or dating life, is just drive. Drive. Do not quit. It’s going to get hard. It’s going to get uncomfortable. That’s because it’s all-new, that’s when you know it’s working when it’s uncomfortable.
Ruby: Exactly. And especially, the drive. Even though, as you know, even if I’m by your side, it’s not easy, guys. I don’t just come in here and then you get a girlfriend in front of your door. This doesn’t happen. But I’m there to push you and support you in that, right?
Cody: Yes.
Success in Relationships Through Change
Ruby: Okay. I love that. The drive. So, now, last bit here. Like I said, most guys who are reading this are on the fence, what would you say to them? Those that are hindering wondering if they should do this, what would you say to them?
Cody: I would tell, just take the dive. Just try it, go out there. It is so worth it to be where– The only way I can say it is it’s like when your parents teach you to ride a bike. You’re starting to ride that bike and it’s working. It’s like an out-of-body experience. In the back of your mind, you’re just like, “This is working, and it feels so good.” So, it’s worth it. It’s worth the dive. I would suggest it to all of my friends, Ruby is amazing.
Ruby: Oh, thank you. Take the dive, guys. I love that analogy of riding a bike. My gosh, that’s a good one. It’s scary at first, you might fall, and definitely get some scratches, but you get back on the bike if you want it that bad. Now, biking may be different. Some people like, “We don’t need to ride a bike that much ever.”
Embracing Challenges with Resilience
Ruby: But it is the same because you have the desire to do it. Someone’s there to teach you, normally for a parent in that analogy. But in this case, I guess it sounds funny to say, but I am that parent telling you how to balance, how to ride this, try again, get back up, and with anything like riding a bike, it’s a mindset too.
Cody: Yes.
Ruby: Because it hurts when you fall. You don’t want to do it again many times. For me, as a kid, it took me a long because I hate falling. It really hurts. But you have to take your time into knowing why you want something in the first place and then getting back up.
Cody: Yes.
Dating Coaching: Seizing Opportunities
Ruby: Awesome. All right. Wow, guys, I hope you enjoyed that story. Really inspiring. “I hope you can see, he is a true, real example of finding someone that only in the beginning, you imagined, we both envisioned. I can never sit here, guys, and tell you, “Oh, I can guarantee you I’ll find that girl.” It’s not possible.” That’d be amazing if I could, but I can’t. But the fact that we definitely started, and you listed this person out, we can only imagine, and here she is, and you guys are living the life that you want, traveling together. So, thank you so much, Cody, for being here. Thank you for sharing the story with them.
Cody’s experience highlights the value of taking initiative and seeking advice when seeking love and fulfillment. He points out the vital role of determination in overcoming obstacles and discomfort for personal growth and successful relationships. If you read this far and are on the fence about dating coaching, I urge you to take the plunge, invest in this area of your life, and have the same experience Cody did. How? It all starts by having a (free) conversation with me here