Let’s talk about that moment when you just don’t know what to ask. You’re having this conversation with her, she’s responding well, but you don’t know what other questions to ask from there. You want to keep the conversation flowing, but you know being able to ask questions is a part of that flow. There’s this pressure to make sure you keep asking the questions, and more importantly, the right questions. It’s easy with that pressure to blank out and not know what to ask her on the date and I’m going to help you with that today.
Have trouble getting dates? Download your free 5-steps to quality dates ebook below
Get your free ebook here
Get my dating secrets gathered from over a decade of being in the field (as a couples therapist, matchmaker, coach, and previous work as an eHarmony lead).
Figure Out Where You Two Connect
When it comes to asking questions, it’s really just about getting to know her.
I’ve said this in other videos, and I know I’m being repetitive. Remember, the whole point in dating is to connect with someone. It’s really figuring out where you two connect. This is why I’ve said many times before, staying curious is so important, because if you just remember to stay curious, you give yourself that space to think up questions to ask. Here’s the thing. There are obviously better questions to ask that allow you to actually connect with that person and that even allows you to get to know each other in a way so that you can have the best opportunity for that to happen. You can’t just ask any questions, like, “What’s your favorite ice cream flavor?” That doesn’t actually allow you to get to know her.
Expand on Topics
When it comes to figuring out what to ask, first, just keep remembering to stay curious about her. Ask yourself, “What else can I know about her through either what she just responded?” Or, if the topic has ended, and just reflecting yourself and thinking what else do I not know about her? What I want to first talk about is that moment when she gives you an answer, and it’s a pretty good answer, whether that be text or in person.
She didn’t, let’s say, ask you a question quite yet. She’s just talking about her thoughts on a specific topic.
Know that within every response she gives, there is something else to expand on.
There always is. Every time I’ve had a client asked me, “I don’t know what else to say.” Then they’ll send me the screenshot, I can already pick out at least one topic to expand on that is maybe different than what you are already talking about.
Example of expanding on topics
Let’s say, for example, you talk about how you two both play a certain instrument, and you asked her how she got started in it. She said, oh, it’s because her brother taught her, and then she wasn’t going to stick to it at first, but then she did. Now, she teaches kids about this instrument. Right there with that answer is, yes, she just made a statement.
It’s easy to think, “Oh, I don’t know where to take it from there.” But within that response, she talks about her brother, she talked about teaching, and she talked about how she’s decided to stick with it. Any of those three, you can pick one of them to then ask to expand on the story more.
Just remember that with every topic or information you get about her, ask yourself,
“Do I actually know the ins and outs and the full story of this topic?” Once you can pinpoint something in their response, then you can ask, “Oh, your brother, are you two close? How many siblings do you have?” Then, go off on that topic. Or, you go off the topic about how she stuck with it, why did she? Or, about teaching, she decided to teach, why did she decide to teach it? Why is it something that she wanted to do? Expand on it and take it from there.
Chime in Your Thoughts Too
Normally, if you just remember, there is something within her response to be curious about, then it becomes easier to pinpoint that and see it and then take it from there and ask more follow-up questions. Then, of course,
chiming in your thoughts on it too, because it’s important to talk about yourself during this.
It’s not about you just asking all the questions. It’s about talking about yourself how you relate and connect to it and see if she follows up with you, too.
Do Not Ask Questions About the Interest Itself
Another point that I want to make in regards to asking questions, is making sure you do not ask questions about the interest itself. It’s not asking questions about playing that specific instrument. Let’s say she plays guitar. It’s not about asking how the guitar works, and what are the strings again, how do you read music? It’s not about that.
Let’s say, for example, a lot of people talk about travel. That’s a really big topic. I see so many times people get into the same routine of talking about Thailand, about Paris, and then they talk about the destinations or where they’ve been and the food, they talk more about the interest than yourself. Actually, a lot of people ask questions about the interest more than you’re actually asking her to actually get to know her.
It’s important to remember the questions you ask should allow her to, one, talk about herself. Two, to allow her to tell a story.
That’s how you know you have a good question. When you know that with the question you asked, there’s a story to be had and it’s not– I would like to think you’re not asking some really in-depth, expansive stories because that would be a lot, but just a story about what are the moments that really draw you into that destination. “How do you pick the destinations you go to?”, versus asking, “Where do you want to go to next?” Because that’s a really basic question everybody asks.
Allow her to Tell a Story
Challenge yourself to think, what kind of question can I ask about this topic that will allow me to get to know her, but allow her to tell me a story. Those are really great questions. If you can shift your mindset in that way, maybe start even practicing, writing out some questions in regards to very specific topics, you know you talk about all the time, that really helps.
It allows the conversation to go into so many other different directions, versus when you talk about a very specific interest, you just pigeonhole yourself into that and then the conversation dies.
When it dies, you realize you don’t even know much about each other. You just learned more about Thailand. I bring up Thailand because I think that’s a great destination, probably the last international trip I went to, but that’s what it’s all about.
Those are my tips on when you don’t know what to ask next. I hope it helps. Once again, you just remember to stay curious and wonder what else you know about her that you don’t get stuck. If you just don’t know what to say, that’s in my other video, so you can go check that out. Thank you, so much for reading this topic.
Want to learn how to keep the conversation going?
Click here to learn how