Breakups are tough. They really are very painful, and hurtful. Usually after the fact, at some point, you wonder “how do I get back into dating after this? How do I bounce back after a break up?” You start thinking about getting back out there, and then comes the question of “will I find someone similar to what I had before?” There are popular questions so I’m going to be covering it today! Let’s talk about how to bounce back after a break up and how to date again.
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I don’t think anyone really likes breakups. No matter if you’re the dumper or the dumpee. Even though the dumper may seem fine and dandy afterwards, trust me, they’re not. Some people can hide it better than others, breaking from someone you’ve had a relationship with is not a fun thing to do.
Allow yourself to grieve
The first thing to remember about a breakup is you are grieving. You have lost someone that has been in your life for a significant amount of time. they could be in your life every single day, every other day, once a month, it doesn’t matter. Even if you’ve only dated for a month or so, that’s a significant amount of time. It’s not about the time, but the emotions invested.
It’s about how involved you were with this person. You were really invested in getting to know this person emotionally, mentally, and physically. So, you have suffered a lost and anytime you suffer a loss, that is grieving.
Give yourself time
So the first thing I want to say about about how to bounce back after a breakup is to take the time to heal. Take the time to grieve. Read about the five stages of grieving.
It’s important to go through the five stages when you lose anyone. It’ll help you make sure that you accept your grieving process and it allows you to heal. Give yourself time to feel the feels, to feel the pain, but to not stay in the darkness. It’s important to give yourself an amount of time to grieve depending on how long the relationship is. The longer the relationship, the longer the grieving process (averagely, it takes half the time you’ve been together. But, healing can happen quicker if you take the right steps)
Find yourself again
After you grieve, the second step is remembering your value. It’s remembering your worth and remembering who you are, especially if you’ve been in a long-term marriage.
In a relationship, especially a long relationship (that can mean one or two years), there is a higher chance to forget who you are. It’s easy to forget who you are as an independent person because you’ve been connected to someone else for so long.
Activities you enjoy
Do the things that you used to love, rebuild, go hang out with your close friends, build your independent life for yourself again. Get to the point where you feel like you’re happy by yourself. And once you feel that you’re happy, that you figured yourself out in this moment, and that you are okay being independent, you’re healing.
Once again, figure out who you are independently. Because even if you don’t know what makes you attractive (because you don’t remember what attracted your ex to you in the first place), you can find that out later. You don’t have to worry about how you can attract ladies when you’re in this process. Once again, You can figure that out later. Just remember to find who you are, your value, your worth, and what you deserve.
Then you can move on to the next stage, which is reflecting on the relationship. That’s where you look back in what went wrong, what happened, and why you two probably weren’t a good fit for each other. Literally, list out all these reflections. It helps to have these on paper! There’s a reason why it didn’t work. If she was the one that dumped you, remember that she made the decision to not want you in her life anymore, and that already says that she doesn’t deserve you. She made the conclusion that you two aren’t a good fit. This is where people get a little stuck wonder
“Would I ever be able to find a person that’s similar to what I had?”
“What if I can never find that love again”
“Can I ever feel that level of chemistry again?”
Just remember if at some point someone has decided that they are unhappy (without wanting to work on it anymore), then that is a reason to let go. It’s a valid reason to break up. The right person won’t do that to you. With the right person, it may not be sunshine and rainbows all the time, but they will choose to be by your side through it. It wouldn’t have to be so hard to the point where they don’t want to try you anymore.
The most important thing to remember is that you have to believe that someone is out there. No matter how much your friends, family, or even I can believe that for you (and I do believe for every client), it’s up to you. You may have already heard your friends/family say
“You’ll be fine! You’ll find someone else”
“You’re still young, you got time!”
All of the encouraging words will provide a temporary uplifting feeling, but they don’t mean anything to you. It’s about you believing that that person is out there for you. And that’s honestly something that I can’t just insert into your brain or convince you out of. You have to choose to work on believing that there is someone out there. That relationship happened for a reason, it had a purpose, to show you that it is possible for you to reach that stage in a relationship. It is possible for you to fall that deep in love or have that chemistry. Even though you see it’s possible, it’s just not with the right person. Now, go find that same thing, but with the other qualities that the last person was missing.
There’s a lot of single people in this world, trust me (I’ve worked with men and women in this field, I’ve seen it all). Know that there’s someone out there, believe you’ll find that person. If you have to tell yourself that every single day when you wake up until your mind believes it, then do it! Don’t start questioning the what-ifs because you’re thinking of the future too much. Thinking of that means you’re not in the present moment. It’s important to practice mindfulness so you can heal and move forward.
Know it’s a journey
The main game changer in how to bounce back after a break up is believing in your journey. This is a dating journey. In your path, know that if you take the right steps forward, no matter how small, the right things will come. Believe that what you’re doing with self-improvement, self-reflection, learning, and then slowly getting back out there, it’ll lead you to the right person. Growth and making sure you do something different is important, it’ll prevent you from being in the same relationship again. It’s important to reflect, learn, and grow so you don’t end up in the same cycle.
Putting yourself in same relationships over and over is painful. This is why it’s helpful to reflect (once again, write down what worked and didn’t work). Then, know how to move forward and what you want.
Then, the next step in a bounce back after a break up is acceptance. Acceptance of what has happened, the lesson learned, and that there was a purpose for her being your life. Then, also acceptance of whatever comes to you, will come. Anything that will come, even if it’s another girl who rejects you, accept that that is part of your journey. You’ll learn from it all.
Remember to challenge yourself in this, that’s where something different starts happening. Ask yourself “is there something here for me to learn?” That question will allow you to do something different. And when you do something different, you’ll get different results. If you get stuck in what to do, well, that’s probably why you’re probably reading this.
Search for guidance
You probably started reading this because you saw the title “How to bounce back after a break up (and date again)” and thought “I want to learn about this.” So you’re in the right mindset and taking the right step! This is why I’m a coach, people ask me for help when they get stuck. It’s important to know it’s never a dead end. There’s always a way for it to work. You just have to get a little creative, learn something new, and lastly, start slowly getting back out there.
Get back out there
When you’re ready, remember to slowly get back into it. Start to socialize, meeting mutual friends, and see how you do. If you’d prefer, you can try online dating, starting with one app. Don’t know how to start? There’s a lot of pieces of advice I provide here! If you really want the step-by-step run down, you can browse my current products!
Just start somewhere. Don’t allow your fear to stop you. Fear is your worst enemy.
There’s a difference between fearing being alone and choosing to not be alone for the rest of your life. The latter is more healthy because you can be independent, you know you can take care of yourself, you have a good support system. But, you want a fulfilling life and being alone is not preferred. However, you’d rather be alone than be in an unhealthy and toxic relationship.
When you fear it, that becomes a very dangerous place to be for your own mental health. It becomes easy for you to be a target for soul-sucking women, and trapped in a toxic relationship. Take time to overcome the fear. If you need help in this area, that’s where the whole mindset work comes in.
Once again, slowly get back out there but how to bounce back after a break up starts with working on yourself. I decided to talk about this because I hear so many men try to get date coaching but they haven’t healed from their last relationship. They just broke up with their person a couple months ago, after a long relationship, thinking that the only way to heal is to start dating again. That is not how you overcome a relationship or find a healthy new relationship. I hope this has helped any guys out there going through a breakup. I believe in you, take your time, you got this.