I’m going to talk about how to date when you’re a shy guy. Not to confuse this with introversion, which is something else and another video that I have, but this is about shyness. Shyness is the actual behavior that hinders you from taking action. Shyness is what paralyzes you when you want to talk to that girl when you want to flirt. It’s a reaction and behavior.
This is seen when you’re starting to shake, your voice is starting to shake, you don’t know what to say, you can’t speak, you start to blush, you start to sweat. It’s literally a bodily reaction that starts happening. It is similar to nerves. You feel nervous, which also builds in shyness. Then, you just don’t take the action. That doesn’t help you with dating, because you’re not actually taking the action you want to pursue someone. So, we’re going to be talking about how to start overcoming shyness today.
Have trouble getting dates? Download your free 5-steps to quality dates ebook below
Get your free ebook here
Get my dating secrets gathered from over a decade of being in the field (as a couples therapist, matchmaker, coach, and previous work as an eHarmony lead).
Understand What Shyness is
The first thing I want to talk about is, it’s really important to understand what shyness is. Shyness is a behavior that stems from feelings. It stems from emotion. It is a reaction to your emotions. Usually, shyness stems from being uncomfortable, insecure, having low self-esteem, low confidence, nerves. You’re self-conscious. It stems from all of that, or multiple, or one or the other. That’s what creates the shyness because if you’re insecure, for example, if you’re really worried about how you look, if you don’t know if you’re attractive, and then, you start worrying about all these thoughts, and your mind starts churning out all these either negative statements or ways that things can go wrong, and then, it builds in shyness, because you don’t want to potentially for things to go wrong, and that’s what stops you from flirting, from asking her out, from even saying hi.
Recognize the Fear
It’s important to understand where is your shyness stemming from. Normally, it stems from fear. There’s a fear there. If you didn’t have fear, you would do it. If you think about when you’re really calm, when you don’t really have those overflowing thoughts of possibilities, when you don’t have that fear, don’t you just do it? We could go to a grocery store normally because we don’t fear that someone’s going to come and rob us. That’s a true fear, of course, but it’s not in day to day. You don’t fear that.
The second thing I want to talk about is pinning that fear. You want to be able to hone in, “what am I so scared of? What’s the worst that can really happen here?” Many times, when people struggle with shyness, they build probably the most worst-case scenario in their head, that if in reality, you really think about it, it’s not even possible. Many of my guys will think that if they approach a girl, the worst thing that could happen is that they’ll slap you, or they’ll throw a drink in your face.
Reflect and ask yourself
But if we really stepped back, would they really do that? No, because most of my guys, if anything, they err on the side of being too polite and very kind. If anything, women only do that when you’re disrespectful, when you’re rude, when you’re crossing boundaries, or you’re being inappropriate. But the fact is normally with my clients, that’s not even the case because they can’t even take that first step. Even if they were, they would be really polite about it.
Step back and think, “What am I so scared of here? What am I fearing?” Is it that she rejects you? If you fear rejection, why? What do you think that rejection is going to do to you? What do you think that rejection is saying about you? It’s normally a very big, internal weight and heaviness that you put on yourself because of this fear. Reflect and ask yourself, “What am I so scared of?”
I know that I used to be super, super shy, I don’t talk to people and honestly quite mute for a while because I couldn’t even say hi back to people. People would say hi back to me, and I would struggle. I would struggle saying anything back because I have this fear of not being good enough, I always feared that my voice would sound odd or I would fear that I just didn’t know what I was saying, and they would didn’t want to potentially be my friend anymore.
The possibilities of the fear just kept rolling. I started to overcome my shyness when I really started to find confidence within myself and realizing that the bad things aren’t really that bad because I can overcome them. If they say that, they don’t want to be my friend, it’s okay. I will live. It sucks, but I can keep going because as long as I’m doing my best to learn and grow, that’s all I can do. That was always my safe net, is that I always wanted to grow. That’s always been my mantra, you would say. I always want to grow and challenge myself to do so. I knew that if I just took those actions, and say hi back, and start initiating, speaking more, I’m just going to learn. That’s really the worst that can happen. Really, that’s the worst.
So, for you guys thinking about it, what’s the worst in rejection? You’re going to learn. Maybe, there was something that you did wrong, but at least you have something to work off of.
When you don’t do anything, you don’t know. You just don’t know. It’s just a what-if. But if you get an answer, at least you got an answer, and you know, and you can use that information to move on, get feedback, do something different next time, but it gives you something to move forward.
If you don’t do anything at all, nothing happens, and you’ll never actually know if she’s interested in you, because there’s a high possibility she could have been.
All right, so, last but not least, the third step to this, I hinted at it when I talked about my own journey, which is, in order to start overcoming shyness after understanding what shyness is, and after understanding yourself, and what you’re so scared of, the next step is to take action. Push yourself out of your comfort zone. You don’t need to all of a sudden start hitting on girls at the bar if it’s not part of your personality but do baby steps. Maybe it’s seeking a therapist because you realize your shyness is so deeply seated and rooted in so many other things.
Talk to a therapist, or a counselor, or a psychologist. If you feel that it’s not that bad, you just know you fear it, but not enough that it should be deeply rooted in anything, okay, then, hold yourself accountable by creating small things you can do every week to grow in it. Start by saying thank you to strangers if they open the door for you or talking to the cashier a little longer than you normally would. Start doing actions and normally don’t do so you get used to being pushed out of your comfort zone. If you have a hard time holding yourself accountable, then get a coach. That’s why I’m here.
Why do people hire mentors?
I had a recent client who literally hired me because he just could not hold himself accountable to do these action steps. When I stepped in, he went from being way too nervous to talk to any girls, to this last week, he talked to five different girls and got two numbers. It’s all because he hired me so I can help him, hold him accountable. That way, I wouldn’t let him get out of his own head and allow himself to give into his excuses. That’s why people hire mentors to help them out. Do what you need, either do it yourself, take your action steps, ask your friends to hold you accountable, seek a therapist, or seek a coach. You’ve got to do something. You can’t just sit there and think shyness will just drive by.
Like I said, for me, in college, I challenged myself to just say hi to anyone that was in the hall. I hung out in this hallway. If I ever saw someone I didn’t know, I would just come up to them and say, “Hi, I’m Ruby. What’s your name?” I challenged myself every week to do that if I saw someone come in. So, you need to have your own schedule of challenges and make it happen. If you realize you’re not making it happen, then get some guidance.
I want you to write down what your next action steps are. What are you going to do for the next four weeks? What do you do to push yourself out of your comfort zone? Take those actions, and that’s how you’re going to get any progress and overcome shyness. You cannot just sit there, understand yourself, and then that’s it. Then, you think that shyness would just be over. You’ve got to take your action steps.
If you’re shy, please know you can do this. If I can do it, you can do it. There’s a lot of shy people in this world who take the steps to overcome it, and it’s such a much more fulfilling life when you’re able to challenge yourself and give yourself all those opportunities you’ve been missing. Once again, the worst thing that can happen is you’ll learn. That’s it. You’ll learn, and you’ll grow, and you’ll move forward.
Thank you, so much, and good luck, in your journey. You got this. Remember, it’s not as bad as you’d probably think.
If you are shy and want to go on a date but don’t know where and how to start, click the button below to learn the step-by-step process of how you’ll be able to regain your confidence.
Find out how here!