Friend crushes can happen. You have this friend you enjoy hanging out with, build trust with her, and you are reminded at how awesome she is every time you see her. Then, these new feelings start to come up when you see her. It starts to grow and you notice…..you have romantic feelings for her. Should you tell her about it? When is it a good time to do so? You don’t want to ruin the friendship so there are a swirl of questions. Let me help answer at least one of the many questions
When do you ask that friend out? Today, we’re going to be talking about when to ask that friend out. Yes, this falls under the umbrella of talking about the “friend zone.” Now, I say that in quotations because there’s a huge debate about whether the friend zone is even real.
Now, I will quickly say that I believe you create the friend zone for yourself. You put yourself in that friend zone before she even decides if that’s even a real zone for her. But that’s a whole debate and topic for another day.
Have trouble getting dates? Download your free 5-steps to quality dates ebook below
Get your free ebook here
Get my dating secrets gathered from over a decade of being in the field (as a couples therapist, matchmaker, coach, and previous work as an eHarmony lead).
The Importance of Timing
Today, we’re talking about timing. Why? Because talking about how to keep yourself out of the friend zone is such a huge topic. There are so many things involved with it.
A key factor in helping you make sure that you try your best to keep out of the friend zone is the timing of when to express your emotions. It really, really matters!
Recognizing and Overcoming Your Fear
What I first want to say about timing is that many men wait a long time to express their feelings to their friend or ask them out, and it’s mostly coming from fear. Just fear. I see it all the time.
There may be other factors or reasons you’re giving yourself, such as
“oh, I don’t know how to ask her out. Maybe if I just wait it out, she’ll happen to like me too. Maybe she’ll give me a sign.”
Whatever your excuses are, it’s all about the mindset, it’s all about fear at the end of the day. You may be afraid of her reaction, but that’s because you mainly fear her reaction will lead you to lose a friend. And that, quite honestly, is a very understandable fear.
You’ve probably had this friend for a while, and you really appreciate her friendship. You don’t want to change that dynamic, especially if she’s a part of your friend circle. If the two of you share friends, you don’t want to change that group dynamic either. But it’s important to recognize that fear, then also recognize the consequences of waiting too long.
Why You Shouldn’t Wait too Long
Normally, people wait two to three years to talk about how they feel. Now, there are three reasons why you don’t want to do that.
It’s a bad idea to wait too long to ask that friend out because:
1. She’ll Question Your Intentions
If you wait too long before you ask her out, she will ask how long you’ve been feeling that way. If you said two, three, four years, the friendship would seem like a little bit of a lie to her.
She’ll start to question your intentions. She’ll wonder, “what was our friendship, then? Have you thought and hoped that these would be dates? Have you always just been secretly crushing on me with heart eyes in the background this whole time? Have you been my friend only because you hope I like you, too?”
She’ll start to question your intentions because it’s been so long and you didn’t tell her. You don’t want that to happen.
2. You Want to Get a Quick Response
You want to be able to get the answer as fast as you can, right? The reason why you want to get her answer, whether it be a yes or no, is because it’s going to help you both quickly move forward and process the experience. The goal is not to get the “yes,” it’s about getting an answer. You will feel clear on no longer lying or hiding your feelings.
3. Asking Sooner Is Less Frightening
By not waiting so long, asking her out is not going to be as frightening for you. Taking small steps in spite of the fear helps you move forward. The longer you have the fear, the longer it will fester. You won’t have so much on the line. It really hurts to walk away from a long-term friend if she says she doesn’t see you in a romantic way.
It’s going to hurt so much more when you walk away thinking you spent two to three years hanging onto your feelings. It’s going to hurt so much, and it’s going to take so long to process. Plus, even though you wish it wouldn’t be awkward, by the time that you get the answer, it will be because you’ve had such strong feelings for such a long time.
The bottom line here is that even if you’ve waited too long to ask a friend out in the past, you don’t want to do it again. Do not wait for two or three years to do it.
When Is the Best Time to Ask a Friend Out?
So, when should you ask that friend out? The answer is simple: the moment you start liking her.
I don’t mean the first day or two, because when you start liking a friend, you start questioning it first. You start wondering, “do I like them? Why do I like them? Why is this coming up for me?”
Obviously, you don’t need to do it the moment that it comes up. Wait until you’ve solidified your decision and recognize, “she has a lot of traits that I like. I like her. I want to date her.”
It’s usually two weeks from when you recognize your romantic emotions to really evaluate them. If it’s been two weeks or longer, and you have butterflies in your stomach, and you’re all nerves, tell her how you feel. Tell her at that time.
How to Have a Hard Conversation
Now, how to tell her: that’s something different, and I’ll save that for another post. For now, I’m talking about when. You want to tell her within two weeks to a month of when you start having those emotions.
Getting the timing right is also important because your friends will often notice if you’re acting differently. If she has any inkling that you’re acting differently, the energy feels different, and you bring it up earlier rather than later, you’re already nipping it in the bud. She already knows and doesn’t have to question it anymore. Once again, you get an answer. It’s great for everybody.
It’s All About Delivery
I know it’s scary to ask out a valued friend. I hope this brings comfort to you: it’s all about delivery at the end of the day.
If you’re able to express your feelings in a way where it lets her know, “look, I just want to express this because I want to be real with you. If you don’t feel the same way, you can let me know. It’s OK. I still want to stay friends, and I’m not going to make it awkward if you don’t make it awkward; I promise.”
The delivery part of the equation is also going to be another post because it’s a longer topic. For now, just know that most of my clients that have done this haven’t lost a friend. It wasn’t weird. Maybe it took some time for them to process, overcome those feelings, especially if they’d had that crush for a long time, but they held those friendships.
Is your friend in the same social circle? If so, you might be worried about making things awkward for all your friends if she says no. Usually, the girl you have a crush on will understand. She’s not going to tell everyone this kind of information. In most cases, everything turns out fine. You guys are friends again, and you both move on if she’s not interested.
On the other hand, if you tell her soon enough and she says yes and wants to give it a chance, you’re getting that answer faster. You get that chance to give dating your friend a try earlier, versus wait two to three years. It will be good for both of you to see if things can work out.
So, that’s when to ask that friend out. I know it’s scary. Just remember, the moment you feel romantic emotions, you want to start expressing them. I will talk about how to express them in another post, so stay tuned for that! Thank you guys so much for reading. I hope this helps you guys out that are out there having a friend crush.
In order to attract that friend to you, it’s important to know what makes you attractive. Find out your traits below:
Learn about your attractive traits